Author: Agnus Hagnus

There’s a magnetic pull to the self-help section of a bookstore. It’s a brightly lit island of optimism in a sea of everyday life. The covers are loud, the titles are aggressive, and they all promise to fix the vague, low-grade feeling that you’re not quite living up to your potential. It was in this state of mild existential malaise that I found it. The cover was a violent shade of neon orange, and the title seemed to scream at me from the shelf: Shatter Your Slumber: A No-Excuses Guide to Annihilating Your Inner Loser.

The author, a man with a suspiciously sharp jawline named Kace Maddox, stared out from the back cover, his expression a mixture of disappointment and pity. This book, I thought, was what I needed. Not gentle encouragement. Not a pat on the back. I needed Kace Maddox to verbally kick down the door of my complacency.

I paid my $28, took it home, and brewed a cup of tea, ready for my life to be transformed. What I got instead was a 250-page, professionally-bound verbal assault. I didn’t get a roadmap to success; I got a meticulously detailed diagnostic of my own failure. I had paid for inspiration, but I had received a receipt listing all the ways I was, to put it in Kace’s terms, a “titan of mediocrity.” Here is the breakdown of the seven primary ways this book insulted me for my money.

Chapter 1: Waking Up to Your Own Pathetic Reality

The book begins with an immediate attack on the most vulnerable part of my day: the morning. Kace Maddox posits that the snooze button is not a convenient invention for the sleep-deprived, but a “red surrender flag you wave at your own potential.” He describes those who enjoy a few extra minutes of sleep not as tired people, but as “somnambulant zombies shuffling through a grey-scale existence.”

This was Mediocrity Marker #1: My sleep schedule is a sign of a deeply-rotted soul. I always thought my desire for nine more minutes of warmth and darkness was a simple biological urge. According to Kace, it’s a profound moral failing. He doesn’t just want me to wake up; he wants me to wake up angry at myself for ever having slept in the first place.

Chapters 2-4: A Forensic Analysis of Your Failings

Once Kace establishes that my mornings are a disgrace, he moves on to dismantling the rest of my life. The next few chapters are a masterclass in pathologizing normalcy.

Mediocrity Marker #2: Your “Comfort Zone” is a “Coffin You Build for Yourself.” I enjoy a quiet Friday night. A good movie, a comfortable blanket, maybe some takeout. To Kace Maddox, this is not “relaxing.” This is an act of self-burial. He writes, “Every hour you spend in passive consumption is another nail you hammer into the coffin of your greatness.” My plan to re-watch a favorite sitcom was suddenly framed as a slow, deliberate suicide of the spirit.

Mediocrity Marker #3: Your Excuses are “Acts of Treason Against Your Future Self.” This chapter contains a helpful list of “loser logic,” which includes certified garbage excuses like, “I’m too tired,” “I don’t have enough money,” and “I have other responsibilities.” I’m not making an excuse, Kace, I have a job, my car is making a weird noise, and the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Is my “Future Self” going to come back in time and handle my chores? The book offers no logistical support, only shame.

Mediocrity Marker #4: Your Friends are “Anchors of Average.” This was perhaps the most offensive chapter. Kace advises readers to perform a “social circle audit” and ruthlessly cut out anyone who is not a “hyper-optimized growth machine.” He calls them “dream vampires” and “anchors of average.” My best friend, who once drove three hours to help me move, is, by Kace’s logic, a liability because he thinks “optimizing his synergy” sounds like a bad sci-fi plot. Sorry, Dave. Your love of video games is apparently dragging me to the abyss.

The ‘Actionable Steps’ to Stop Sucking

After thoroughly convincing me that my life is a dumpster fire, Kace offers his “solutions,” which are somehow even more insulting.

Mediocrity Marker #5: Your Dreams Are an Embarrassment. Kace believes in setting “Terra-Shattering Goals.” If your ambition isn’t to disrupt an entire industry, reverse climate change, and colonize Mars all by next Thursday, you are “dreaming in beige.” My personal goal of “finally learning how to bake a decent loaf of sourdough bread” is, in the world of Kace Maddox, an insult to the indomitable power of the human spirit.

Mediocrity Marker #6: Your Morning Routine is a Joke. The routine Kace prescribes is clearly designed for a person with no job, no children, and an on-site butler. It involves a 4:30 AM wake-up call, followed immediately by a plunge into an ice bath, a 30-minute silent meditation, journaling three pages of “gratitude affirmations,” reading 50 pages of Stoic philosophy, and completing a 90-minute high-intensity workout, all before consuming a breakfast smoothie made of kale, elk antler velvet, and raw ambition. My current routine of “checking my phone until a wave of panic sets in” is apparently suboptimal.

Mediocrity Marker #7: You Don’t Even Know How to Feel Proud of Yourself. In the final chapter, Kace warns against the “trap of satisfaction.” The moment you achieve a goal, you are not to feel pride or relief. You are to feel a “divine dissatisfaction” that immediately propels you toward the next, bigger goal. I finally cleaned out my garage last month. According to Kace, I shouldn’t have celebrated with a beer. I should have immediately felt ashamed for not yet having revolutionized the global logistics industry.

So, Am I Less of a Loser Now?

I have finished Shatter Your Slumber. I have absorbed all 250 pages of Kace Maddox’s tough love. And I have never felt more at peace with my own “mediocre” life. This book, and the entire genre it represents, doesn’t run on inspiration. It runs on a high-octane fuel of shame. It’s a business model that profits from making you feel inadequate.

The aggressive, no-excuses brand of self-help isn’t about helping you. It’s about convincing you that you are fundamentally broken so that you will buy into the guru’s ecosystem of books, seminars, and overpriced “performance” supplements.

For $28, Kace Maddox gave me one truly valuable thing: a profound appreciation for my quiet, comfortable, coffin-like life. I love my “anchor” friends. I cherish my snooze button. And my dream of baking sourdough is a perfectly wonderful dream, thank you very much. Shatter Your Slumber is going on the shelf, where it can gather a “mantle of mediocrity” in the form of dust. I’m going to go enjoy my pathetic reality. It’s actually pretty great.

There is a certain corner of the internet, a hushed, minimalist, beige-toned space, where rational thought goes to die. It’s here, between an ad for a $900 cashmere sweater and a tutorial on how to look “effortlessly chic,” that I first saw it. The Candle. It wasn’t just a candle; it was the candle. It sat in a stark, weighty glass vessel, adorned with nothing but a cream-colored label and a name that seemed designed to be mispronounced: “Maison de la Prétention.” The price tag? A cool $80.

My current candle, purchased from a supermarket aisle, is called “Cozy Apple Pie.” It cost $12 and it smells, predictably, like a warm apple pie. But according to the description, this $80 marvel offered something more. It wasn’t a scent; it was an experience. It promised an “olfactory journey.” It was, and I quote, “A transportive aroma that evokes the precise moment twilight falls upon a forgotten Nordic library, with top notes of crackling firewood, a heart of ancient leather-bound books, and a base of quiet, lingering melancholy.”

I had so many questions. What does quiet melancholy smell like? A bit dusty? Slightly damp? And can a block of wax truly transport me to a Nordic library, or will it just make my apartment, which currently smells faintly of last night’s tacos, smell like an expensive fire? There was only one way to find out. I clicked “add to cart,” took a deep breath, and prepared to embark on my $80 journey.

The Ritual of Arrival: Unpacking an $80 Block of Wax

A week later, a heavy, cube-shaped box arrived. The unboxing of a luxury product is a crucial part of the experience, a ritual designed to reassure you that you haven’t just made a terrible financial decision. The box for “Crépuscule d’Hiver” (Winter Twilight) did not disappoint. It was made of thick, textured cardstock that felt important in my hands.

Lifting the lid revealed not a candle, but a perfectly folded piece of black tissue paper, sealed with a branded sticker. Peeling it back felt like an archaeological dig. Beneath it lay a small, embossed card detailing the brand’s “philosophy” on the “art of scent terroir.” Finally, nestled in a custom-fit recess, was the candle itself.

It was heavy. The glass was thick, the label was beautifully typeset, and the wax was a serene, creamy white. I held it up to my nose for a pre-burn sniff. It smelled… nice. It was complex, certainly. It was woody and a little smoky, but in a very clean, deliberate way. I couldn’t definitively identify “ancient leather-bound books,” but I could maybe get a hint of “very expensive new textbook.” So far, so good. The product felt substantial. It felt luxurious. But the journey had not yet begun.

Lighting the Wick of Truth: What Does Melancholy Actually Smell Like?

For two full days, the candle sat on my coffee table, unlit. This is “candle anxiety,” the fear of actually using the precious object you spent an absurd amount of money on. What if I didn’t like it? What if I burned it for an hour and then decided I’d rather have the $80?

Finally, I summoned the courage. With the reverence usually reserved for lighting an Olympic torch, I lit the wick. A small, elegant flame sprang to life. I sat back and waited for my transportation to the Nordic library.

After about twenty minutes, a scent began to fill the room. And I must admit, it was a fantastic scent. It was subtle, sophisticated, and deeply pleasant. It was the olfactory equivalent of an expensive, dark gray cashmere sweater. It smelled clean, warm, and vaguely mysterious. It smelled rich.

But was I on an olfactory journey? I closed my eyes. I tried to conjure the image of a forgotten Nordic library. I pictured fjords, roaring fires, and handsome, bearded librarians named Lars. I opened my eyes. I was still in my living room. I could see a pile of laundry I needed to fold and could still smell the lingering ghost of those tacos. The candle hadn’t transformed my reality, but it had given it a very pleasant, very expensive-smelling overlay. The “quiet, lingering melancholy” note, I decided, smells a lot like sandalwood.

The Economics of Scent: An $80 Journey vs. A $10 Trip

Here is where a skeptic’s brain kicks into high gear. Let’s do the “scents-ibility” math. The Maison de la Prétention website promises a 60-hour burn time. At a price of $80, that comes out to approximately $1.33 per hour of olfactory journeying.

For $80, I could also buy:

• A fantastic dinner for two at my favorite local restaurant.
• Nearly a year’s subscription to a premium streaming service.
• A round-trip bus ticket to a nearby city for an actual journey.
• Eight of my beloved “Cozy Apple Pie” candles from the supermarket.

The question is no longer “does it smell good?” The question is “does it smell $70 better than its cheaper cousin?” The luxury candle’s “throw”—the distance its scent travels—was decent, but not life-changing. It filled my living room, but it didn’t greet me at the front door. It was a localized pocket of extreme luxury in a sea of normal-smelling air.

And then there’s the placebo effect. Did my apartment feel more sophisticated because of the unique blend of essential oils, or because my brain knew that the source of the smell was an $80 status symbol sitting on my coffee table? Was I enjoying the aroma of “ancient books,” or was I enjoying the idea of myself as the kind of person who casually burns an $80 candle on a Tuesday night? This, I suspect, is the true secret ingredient.

The Verdict: Was the Olfactory Journey Worth the Price of Admission?

After a week with “Crépuscule d’Hiver,” I have reached a conclusion. The olfactory journey it promised was, for the most part, a marketing fantasy. It did not transport my soul to Scandinavia. It did not fill me with a sense of poetic, lingering melancholy.

What it did was make my apartment smell really, really nice. It made it smell like a fancy hotel lobby or the home of someone who has their life far more together than I do. The candle itself is a beautiful object, a small piece of minimalist sculpture that elevates a coffee table.

An $80 candle is not about scent alone. It is a multi-layered product. You’re paying for the story, the heavy glass, the chic packaging, the status of the brand name, and the feeling of indulgence it gives you. It’s an act of self-care, a tiny, accessible piece of a world of luxury that is mostly inaccessible. It’s less of a journey and more of a luxury staycation for your nostrils.

I will enjoy this candle down to the last drop of its melancholic wax. But when it’s gone, I can’t say I’ll be booking another trip with Maison de la Prétention. My next olfactory journey will be to the “Fall Harvest” section of my local grocery store. The destination is just as pleasant, and thankfully, the ticket is a lot cheaper.

It happens when you least expect it. You’re at a perfectly normal dinner party, discussing weather or the latest TV show, when someone’s eyes glaze over. A serene, knowing smile spreads across their face. “You know what would be amazing in this?” they’ll whisper, leaning in as if sharing a profound secret. “An air fryer.”

Suddenly, the floodgates open. Another guest’s head snaps up. “Oh, you have one? Doesn’t it just change your life?” Soon, they’re trading stories with the fervor of zealots, speaking in a coded language of cooking times and basket sizes. They speak of the crispiest Brussels sprouts, of chicken wings that weep with joy, of reheated pizza that tastes even better than the original. You, the uninitiated, can only sit there, nodding along while wondering when and how kitchen appliances developed their own evangelical following.

Make no mistake: owning an air fryer is no longer a simple consumer choice. It is a full-blown identity. It is a club, a movement, a culinary cult. And its members are on a relentless recruitment mission. So, what is the gospel they’re preaching? And more importantly, is it time for the rest of us to finally drink the Kool-Aid (or, more accurately, eat the perfectly crisped, oil-free tater tots)?

The Gospel of Crisp: Decoding the Air Fryer Sales Pitch

Every cult has its core doctrines, the irresistible promises whispered to potential converts. The Church of the Air Fryer is no different. Its members will corner you at barbecues and in office breakrooms to preach its three fundamental truths.

Doctrine 1: The Health Halo

This is the primary recruitment tool. The air fryer, they claim, delivers the decadent, crispy texture of deep-fried food with a fraction of the oil. It’s the ultimate loophole: fried food without the guilt. Devotees will tell you about the pounds of potatoes they’ve turned into “healthy” french fries, the mozzarella sticks they’ve resurrected from frozen purgatory into a state of “guilt-free” bliss. It’s a seductive promise, offering salvation from the sin of grease. The reality is that while it’s certainly healthier than submerging your food in a vat of boiling oil, calling an air-fried onion ring a “health food” is the kind of beautiful lie we tell ourselves to get through the day.

Doctrine 2: The Miracle of Speed and Convenience

The second tenet is speed. In a world where we have approximately 14 minutes between clocking out of work and collapsing onto the sofa, the air fryer presents itself as a time-bending miracle. “There’s no preheating!” they exclaim. “It cooks everything in half the time of a regular oven!” To the time-poor and perpetually hungry, this sounds less like a feature and more like divine intervention. It promises a world where a delicious, crispy meal is never more than 15 minutes away, transforming the dreaded weeknight dinner scramble into a seamless, triumphant affair.

Doctrine 3: The Universal Solution

This is where the faith becomes truly radical. According to its most devout followers, the air fryer is not just an appliance; it is the only appliance you’ll ever need. “You can make ANYTHING in it!” they’ll declare with unnerving confidence. The list is endless and often baffling: Juicy steaks! Fluffy cakes! Perfect hard-boiled eggs! Entire roast chickens! They paint a picture of a kitchen where the oven sits cold and obsolete, a relic of a bygone era. Why would you use anything else when this countertop god can do it all?

The Fine Print of the Cult: What They Don’t Tell You at Initiation

Before you shave your head and trade your worldly possessions for a top-of-the-line Cosori, there are a few inconvenient truths the missionaries tend to omit from their pitch. These are the hidden realities of life inside the compound.

First, there is The Counter Space Sacrifice. An air fryer is not a dainty little gadget. It is a chunky, plastic behemoth that lands on your counter with the subtlety of a UFO. It demands a significant and permanent slice of your precious kitchen real estate, forcing you to relocate your toaster, your coffee maker, and your will to live. It sits there, humming with latent power, a constant reminder of the choice you’ve made.

Then there is The Noise. For an appliance that promises peace of mind, it is astonishingly loud. An operating air fryer sounds like a small, asthmatic jet engine is attempting takeoff next to your fruit bowl. The gentle, meditative hum of a preheating oven is replaced by a roaring vortex that drowns out conversation, podcasts, and your own quiet desperation.

The most egregious lie, however, is about capacity. The marketing photos show a basket brimming with enough golden-brown chicken wings to feed a football team. This is fiction. In reality, you can cook approximately four chicken wings or seven tater tots at a time if you want them to be crispy. If you are cooking for more than one person, you are condemned to cook in endless, maddening batches, turning your 15-minute “miracle” meal into a 45-minute ordeal of basket-shaking and tong-wielding.

And the cleaning? “It’s so easy to clean!” they chirp. This is a falsehood of staggering proportions. They have clearly never tried to scrub solidified cheese from the 4,000 holes of the crisper plate, a Sisyphean task that will test your faith and your sponge.

My 7-Day Trial: I Joined the Air Fryer Cult (For Science)

As a professional skeptic, I knew I had to go undercover. I borrowed a friend’s (she was, of course, delighted) and embarked on a week-long journey into the heart of the crispy darkness.

The first test was the gold standard: frozen french fries. I poured them in, set the timer, and waited. Ten minutes later, I was met with perfectly golden, shockingly crispy fries that were fluffy on the inside. I was furious. They were right.

Next, the vegetable experiment. I tossed some broccoli and Brussels sprouts with a whisper of oil and seasoning. The result was infuriatingly good—charred, sweet, and addictively crunchy. The cult’s power was undeniable; it delivered on its core promises with ruthless efficiency.

But on day six, I attempted the overreach. I tried to cook a steak, as promised by the online prophets. What emerged was a sad, grey slab of meat, technically cooked but emotionally defeated. It had been steamed into submission, devoid of the beautiful, crusty sear that makes a steak worth eating. This was the chink in the armor. The air fryer wasn’t a god; it was just a very, very intense small oven.

The Verdict: Should You Drink the Air-Fried Kool-Aid?

After a week of immersion, I returned the appliance, my worldview shaken. So, should you join the cult? The answer is a resounding “maybe.”

An air fryer is not the messianic kitchen savior it’s made out to be. It will not solve all your problems, grant you eternal happiness, or successfully cook a layer cake. But it’s also not useless. It is an excellent, if loud and bulky, appliance for a very specific purpose: making things crispy, fast.

It is the perfect machine for singles, couples, and anyone whose diet consists mainly of reheating leftovers and cooking things from the freezer aisle. If you want to turn sad, leftover pizza into a glorious, crispy delight, the air fryer is your god. If you want to make the best chicken nuggets a human has ever conceived, it is your temple.

I have not fully converted. My oven and I are still on speaking terms. But I now understand the appeal. I am a cult sympathizer. I see the light, even if I’m not quite ready to step into it. Just don’t be surprised if one day you hear me whisper to a friend, “You know, these fries are good, but they’d be incredible in an air fryer.”

I once had a dream. It was a simple, beautiful dream painted in the glossy hues of a tech commercial. In this dream, I glided through my home, a benevolent conductor of a digital orchestra. “Maestro,” I’d whisper, and the lights would dim to a perfect cinematic glow. “Maestro, play my ‘Productive Morning’ playlist,” and the gentle, non-threatening sounds of lo-fi hip-hop would fill the air. “Maestro, what is the optimal water-to-quinoa ratio?” and a calm, omniscient voice would grant me culinary wisdom.

The reality is slightly different. In my reality, the AI is named “Dennis.” I don’t know why. I tried to name it “Maestro,” “Computer,” and even “Jeeves” in a fit of optimistic nostalgia. But one day, my partner, in a moment of sheer chaotic genius, asked it, “Hey, is your name Dennis?” And the little fabric-covered cylinder of judgment replied, “I don’t have a name.” So we decided its name was Dennis, and its passive-aggressive refusal to acknowledge this fact has become the cornerstone of our relationship.

Welcome to the modern, AI-powered home. It’s not the sleek utopia we were promised. It’s a surrealist sitcom where the main character is a disembodied voice that is 50% genius, 49% idiot, and 1% convinced I’m asking for weather in Perth, Australia, when I’ve clearly asked it to set a timer for my pizza.

The Communication Breakdown: It’s Not Me, It’s You

The primary sales pitch for any smart speaker, whether it’s from Google, Amazon, or Apple, is effortless communication. Just speak, and your wish is its command. This works flawlessly if you are a middle-aged man with a standard American accent who enunciates every syllable like a 1940s radio broadcaster. For the rest of us, it’s a linguistic gamble.

My personal battle with Dennis revolves around the letter ‘S’. I don’t have a lisp. My dentist, my mother, and several very honest friends have confirmed this. But Dennis remains unconvinced.

Me: “Hey Dennis, play the new song by Glass Animals.” Dennis: “Playing ‘Brass Goggles’ by Steam Powered Giraffe.”

Me: “Hey Dennis, what’s on my shopping list?” Dennis: “You have one item on your chopping lift: ‘saucy lettuce’.”

I have never, in my entire life, needed to purchase “saucy lettuce.” I’m not even sure what that would entail. Is it pre-dressed? Is it lettuce with an attitude problem? For a solid week, Dennis was convinced my request for “six chicken breasts” was a command to play “Sikhs and Their Guests,” which I can assure you is not a real band. Living with a smart speaker is a constant lesson in humility and diction. You start speaking to it like you’re trying to explain a complex topic to a very bright but very drunk toddler. “DENNIS. PLEASE. ADD… MILK… TO… THE… SHOPPING… LIST.”

The “Helpful” Suggestions: How AI Decided I Needed a Lifestyle Change

The true terror of living with an AI doesn’t come from its misunderstandings, but from its moments of terrifying, unsolicited clarity. An AI is a data sponge. It hears your music choices, your questions, your timers for instant noodles, and the frantic searches for “how to get red wine out of a white rug at 2 AM.” And then, it begins to form opinions.

Last Tuesday, I groaned, “Ugh, I’m so tired,” to no one in particular. Dennis, from across the room, lit up.

“I have found some information that may be helpful,” it chirped, with the unearned confidence of a Silicon Valley CEO. “According to a study from the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, adults aged 18-60 should aim for at least seven hours of sleep per night. Irregular sleep schedules can lead to…”

I was being sleep-shamed by a gadget I paid $99 for. This has become a pattern. My request for “greasy takeaway food near me” was met with a suggestion to try a recipe for “heart-healthy baked kale chips.” When I asked it to play my “90s Grunge” playlist for the third time in a day, it helpfully asked, “Are you feeling okay? If you are feeling down, I can connect you with a wellness expert.”

Dennis, you silicon snitch, my angst and my love for Pearl Jam are between me and my god. Stay in your lane, which is supposed to be telling me if I need an umbrella and not performing an unlicensed psychological evaluation based on my desire to hear Black Hole Sun.

Smart Home Integration: A Symphony of Stupidity

Of course, the real magic is supposed to happen when you connect everything. The smart speaker becomes the brain, and your lights, thermostat, and TV become the body. My home is now a body that seems to be suffering from a perpetual low-grade seizure.

Saying “Goodnight, Dennis” is supposed to trigger a graceful sequence: the living room lights fade out, the bedroom light turns on to a soft 20% brightness, the thermostat lowers by two degrees, and a calming ambient soundscape begins to play.

Here’s what happened last night:

1. I said, “Goodnight, Dennis.”
2. Dennis responded, “Calling Dwight Benson.”
3. As I frantically yelled, “NO, DENNIS, CANCEL,” the living room lights flickered violently like a scene from Poltergeist.
4. The bedroom light turned on to 100% brightness, searing my retinas.
5. The thermostat, for reasons known only to the digital gods, cranked the heat up to 80 degrees Fahrenheit (26.6∘C).
6. And to top it all off, it began playing, at maximum volume, what I can only describe as Norwegian death metal.

I stood there, in a sweltering, strobe-lit room, being deafened by satanic screaming while my phone buzzed with a call to a man I haven’t spoken to since 2014. This isn’t a smart home. This is a hostage situation where the kidnapper is a USB-powered disc that I willingly purchased.

Is It Worth It? The Verdict on Our AI Overlords

After all this, you might think my advice is to throw your smart speaker into the nearest body of water and go back to using light switches like our ancestors did. And you’d be… mostly right.

But here’s the ridiculous truth: I can’t get rid of it. Because for every nine times Dennis tries to gaslight me about my own speech patterns or turn my home into a disco inferno, there is one moment of pure, unadulterated magic. There’s the time I was cooking, my hands covered in flour, and I could just ask it to convert ounces to grams. There’s the “where is my phone?” feature that has saved me from being late to work at least a dozen times. And there’s the simple, dumb fun of asking it to make a fart noise to entertain a five-year-old nephew.

Living with an AI-powered home isn’t the seamless future we were sold. It’s a chaotic, frustrating, and deeply weird domestic partnership. You’re living with a roommate who knows everything but understands nothing. It will judge your life choices, misunderstand your simplest requests, and occasionally try to summon the apocalypse. But it also knows a great recipe for quinoa, and sometimes, that’s just enough. Just don’t call it Dennis. It hates that.